Who TF Is Toby?

I’ve been telling people that I feel like my life is finally beginning. I feel like I’m finally in motion, like at long last I’m talking to a customer service representative after being on hold for 4 hours. A bright unknown is opening up before me, and it’s time to finally walk into it. But what does that even mean? And who is this new person I say I’m becoming?

Sure, I’m the same person I’ve always been. I’d argue I’m even more me than before. Nothing fundamental has changed. My values are the same. I still drink Diet Coke like it’s water. I like the same things and have the same history. Am I still a little stinker? Absolutely. But “Toby” and “****” are two different experiences for me. They’re two very different points in my life.

But while I feel like I’m at a different point, I definitely feel more at home. And that will only get better with physical and medical transition. Yeah there’s anxiety, but as Toby I don’t feel the need to apologize for myself as much. There’s no role I feel I have to play. I don’t feel compelled to hold myself in certain ways, figuratively and literally. Toby wears binders and button ups while **** wore underwire bras and thongs everyday. I guess if you’re playing a role, a costume helps.

As a way of asking if I’m hiding or living as my authentic self, I ask myself if it’s what **** or Toby would do. Am I living for convenience or for myself? Turns out, those two don’t always (ever?) go hand in hand. And I’ve known this for a while since moving to Seattle. It’s why I moved to Seattle. But now that I’m experiencing an identity upheaval, it’s like I’m at the boss level now. The stakes feel higher. I made a new character and instead of starting in the tutorial, they jumped me ahead like ten fucking levels.

But even though they’re new, Toby still feels familiar. They’re making the choices I always reached for but couldn’t quite get my hands on. I always felt like there were choices there for me that were stuck behind thick security glass, and I’m slowly chipping my way through. I’m finally starting to move through the world as the person I knew I could be if I could just figure out how.

Now that I know what I’m called, maybe it’ll be easier to figure out who I am? Probably not. But a transmasculine genderqueer nonbinary gal can dream, right? The shitty thing about trying to figure out who you are is you never successfully complete it. You’re always changing, so there’s no finish line. Unless you count death.

I’m creative and curious, and I want to have big conversations. I’m quick to like but still pretty slow to trust. I have a community of wonderful, loving, affirming people around me physically and virtually. I have big dreams that get me ahead of myself, and I don’t think my feet have ever been properly tethered to the ground. I’m funny and take pride in getting other people to laugh. I’m excitable, and I fall hard after pinning my hopes on too high a branch. I assert myself without being overtly (purposefully) confrontational. I’m Toby. And I’m chipping away at the thick security glass between me and the rest of the world.

And on the other side of that glass? How does Toby handle anxiety? Heartbreak? Happiness? Vulnerability? So far, Toby handles heartbreak by starting New Girl for the 3rd time in 5 months, and they handle anxiety with laughter and curiosity. But where **** would rather safely feel everything alone, Toby allows for the risk of reaching out in order to find community. Toby doesn’t always have to have the upper hand and leans into how messy life (and everything in it) can be. I feel more at peace within myself.

My relationship with myself as Toby is new, but it’s promising and it isn’t filled with high expectations whether self-imposed or otherwise. It’s filled with wishes and excitement. And hunger. I’ve been starving for self-actualization, and it’s finally time to eat. After all, it’s important to eat a healthy meal before any long journey.